mental illness and cholestorol windows

There is a degree of influence we bp2s have over our moods, but we don’t have control. That’s the hard part. We're responsible for that influence portion, but have no say on where on the continuum of mental health that small window of influence lies.

For example, some people seem to have a genetic propensity for high cholesterol, so naturally their numbers will be on the upper end of the spectrum. My dad is one of these people. He eats right, he exercises, he has always been thin--this is where he is exerting his influence. But despite all the appropriate behavior modifications, he can't get his numbers down to normal. He can engage all he wants within his window of influence, but he won't effect much change. It turns out that for some people that window is just very small, and it lies on the upper end of the continuum, so change can only be effected within this small range of upper numbers.

And so it is with my illness. The window of influence over mood can seem so insignificant compared to the range along the continuum. I want to have full range of control over my moods, but instead I have only a small window within which I have any influence. So all the behavior modification in the world can only help me so much. 

My dad and I both take pills for our illnesses. His cholesterol numbers are now normal; pills offer a control that his body on its own just can't. My medications have lengthened my window of influence, and thank God for that, but it is still not sufficient, still not a full range, still not a normal life.

I think this is why it's so easy for bp2s, or any mental illness sufferer for that matter, to keep on keeping on. It seems futile when your efforts produce only a tiny change while "normal" person over here has exerted less effort to produce greater change.

But this apparently is our calling. Or lot in life. Or curse. Our challenge is to find meaning within a smaller space.