I am not self disciplined or self motivated. I act best under pressure (not too much pressure mind you). Why when I'm doing well can I not start to build, start to create a life, move towards that something I feel cheated of in depression?
Why can't I sit down and do job research. Brainstorm answers to potential interview questions. Buy an interview suit. Prepare a resume.
Why can't I stand up and wash the dishes. And go to the grocery store. And cook. And wash the dishes again.
Why can't I organize my closet. And then the spare bedroom. And the garage.
Why can't I play the guitar every day, and not merely on rare whim as distraction from routine or guilt?
Because, if I start to do one of these things, I am afraid I will get depressed.
Yup, I think that's it. I'm afraid it will depress me. Doing something routine, like chores, just because I "have to"; or skilled, like learning guitar, but only because it's the scheduled time to do it; or scary but life changing, like job searching, which needs a systematic approach--doing these things edges me towards depression. It makes me feel
Lonely,
Unalive
Bored, and
Empty.
Is that strange?
No, not strange at all.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is you are very articulate in the way you speak. The way you describe how you feel- how I feel.. you can say these words and it flows nice and straight lined. If I attempted such an explanation I would fail. Miserably.
I have felt EXACTLY THE SAME WAY as you do in all of the tasks you have mentioned.Especially with regards to work.
I feel the anxiety overcome me when I speak of it.
Mind you I work for myself in my own beauty business but that is on MY OWN TERMS. No one bosses me around.
Perhaps that is a thought?
Melissa, thanks for the comments. Thank you for your kind words--makes me feel good!
ReplyDeleteIt is always so helpful to hear another person can relate.
I understand what you mean about the anxiety coming on even just thinking about this mundane stuff.
Good thought about being your own boss. I worked for myself briefly but it was in isolation and I lacked the discipline to follow through. Sounds like your situation is working well for you--that's great!
Jenn, I have never read posts from someone who describes *my* BPII as well as you do! It's amazing to me that you suffer so similarly. And I'm sorry that you do - it is no fun.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing...you're making me want to create a profile so I can follow you! :)
Peace,
Kim
Hi Kim.
ReplyDeleteIf you do, I think you will be my first follower!
It is powerful to me when I someone puts into words my own experience. It lifts the heaviness somehow for at least a few moments. I'm happy if my words did that for you.