Monday, June 27, 2011

Drowning

Humans are not meant to live in water; we’re meant to live on land. My funks are when I’m under the water, drowning, sometimes without a will to surface, but required by the need for oxygen to fight to get my head above the waterline, to fight to want to get my head above.

There is a state where I am treading water, so I am not under the water, I can breathe, but it takes constant effort, and I am well aware of the potential to be under the water, and a wave can send me back under easily, or my legs can get tired of treading and I could go back under.

When I am doing well, it is like I am lying on my back floating on a raft, and I don’t see the water or feel it, I breathe air naturally and easily, and I can rest some, and I can generally float about unharmed, until a wave submerges me, sometimes with warning, sometimes without. But I am out in the middle of this vast ocean, far, far from land, and even if I knew which direction to take (which I don’t), I don’t have the means to get there, and I probably also lack the will, because the undertaking would be mind-bogglingly huge.

Meanwhile, I know there are hundreds of thousands of folks on land, dancing and partying and eating and building buildings and developing computer networks and raising families and feeling a sense of identity, contentment, belonging, growth, community. People that are fulfilling their potential.

Me, I’m trying not to drown.

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