I do not do well alone. Partly extraversion. But part of it is that when I’m alone, I spiral down more quickly, my thinking gets more confused, gets more black and white. I feel grounded only in conversation sometimes. Part of why I’m afraid of getting a job is because, at least for a while, you don’t know anybody there but you have to act professional and to me that feels like hiding and that makes me feel more isolated and alone.
I need to apologize. I am playing catch up with your blog so I am reading all of the June ones now.
ReplyDeleteAre we sisters?... are we related by any chance?.
I don't know where I should start with my response to you but it feels like you know what I everyday, try to explain to my nearest and dearest (just my husband and sometimes my mum)
but I can't explain my feelings like you do.
Everything and I do mean everything that you are saying in your blogs is what I am feeling. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. NOT AT ALL.
I would write, but it depresses me even more. I am constantly on that boat where you say you are when you are trying so desperately to stay afloat. I just want you to know that whenever you are feeling that way again..which I know is on a daily basis, (oh the sea sickness!) I want you to know that I am right there with you. Next to you because that is just the way my life is every single day.
And I', terrified of drowning.
Hi Melissa, thank you for your comments. It is good to feel understood, to feel like someone gets it! And no apologies needed--I have been absent from my blog for a while now anyway--can I blame it on the bipolar ebb and flow? I will return though.
ReplyDeleteDo you have a blog? I take it from your comments that you do not like to write. But I'd love to hear your experiences if you want to share. You are welcome to post here, or my profile should give a link to my email address.
Sea sickness is a great metaphor, by the way. You can't enjoy a voyage if you are continually dealing with motion sickness.
have you found any way to help, i do ok as long as i keep 1-2 people around me (family brother or sister.. kids.. mom..) i dont have friends so to speak just one but our lives have took us in different directions. I go thru many here today gone next week friends (its my decision not theirs, they usually dont understand) I cant keep a job, I have been diagnosed but mistreated by a family dr for 13 years until about 5 months ago. I cant take the meds cause im addicted to my highs, even worse i have been lying to my psychiatrist for 3 months. she thinks im doing fantastic.. only im not. but now i dont know how to tell her or my family. I keep my sister and brother (younger, unstable, irresponsible, addicts, ect..) living with me b/c i cant be alone. When i am i cant think, i cant control anything about myself. ill go into seriously bad mixed episodes. i start self medicating, using drugs. as of tonight.. i have been high everyday for 3 months strait.. i was managing fine until couple days ago my brother and sister both left town for the weekend, ive been alone and disaster is near. I need help i know i do but i dont know which way to go. I have went from a extrovert to a severe introvert since my first attempted suicide 5months ago. I dont leave the house. I cant speak to strangers. I feel like im being stared at if i do go out. I dont even go to family's houses. I LOSE CONTROL WHEN IM ALONE but i cant be around people either. I feel lost and alone and crazy. I recently realized.. my son is bipolar and i feel responsible i put the same devil that i have been possessed with all these years into him and I wish this on no one ever. I dont even know if you will get this considering ur last post was a year ago.. but i needed to release these feelings and thoughts before it ended badly.. I need help I dont know who i am anymore. ill check back in a few days.. sincerely, crazy n possessed!
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