I haven't posted in a while and this will be brief. When I'm doing fairly well, I feel more inclined to engage in the logistics of life--you know, catch up on bills, make lofty plans to organize my house and paperwork, and so forth--rather than probe the destructive intricacies of my brain or despair at the purposelessness of my life or of the universe.
So how come I am doing ok right now? Urgency. I have a project that has outside accountability and a time constraint, and requires organizing but little executing, and is finite in nature. Most importantly, it provokes adrenaline. My therapist suggested I function on adrenaline and that I use crises as an excuse not to do ordinary life. I think he's exactly right.
Two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer (it was early stage, the main treatment phase is over, and I'm doing fine). Friends remarked how well I handled it. I explained that it was nothing compared to bipolar depression. In fact, I did not get depressed for the first six months or so after my diagnosis (and usually I cycle every few weeks). I did remarkably well, mentally.
The crisis status of the cancer diagnosis and treatment offered me several--er--benefits. It initiated an adrenaline surge; it gave me focus & purpose; it gave me a valid reason to lie on the couch and not do housework; and it gave me a sense of urgency for a specific task.
I am not an adrenaline junkie in obvious ways like jumping out of planes or driving recklessly or taking on class 6 rapids. In fact, I will not even risk buying a $70 appliance without conducting copious internet research. My cautious nature may be why I am depressed so much of the time--I thrive on crisis, but I do not seek it out boldly.
What my therapist did not tell me was how to move from a place where I seem only to be happy and productive when adrenaline is pumping through me to a place where I feel ok, and not inordinately depressed and lonely, just doing normal everyday things.
So much of my existence is living in bipolar oblivion, denial, affect, anxious anticipation. And that's coupled with chronic, increasing pain from a serious, disabling injury approx. 25 yrs. ago. My doc suggested I be more "here and now" to avoid being caught in the web of the intellectual pursuit to get/stay better. Type-A I've been all my 60+ years of life, I've known that all too well. And hippie that I was, living life in the here and now--very cool (tried as hard as I could!)
ReplyDeleteI've been "living the life of bipolar II for almost 2 years: plenty of depression, lots of hypomania. Sadly, I entered the ring with a long, almost fatal bipolar I manifestation/diagnosis 15 years ago. I mean NO disrespect to bipolar II. I thoroughly understand your depressions. Bipolar--forget I or II--is bipolar...and it ain't easy. (In retrospect, I wonder: perhaps the chemical cause/roots of my lifelong A-type intensity was actually bipolar disorder just bubbling below the surface, perhaps foretelling its true manifestation.)
Now, my greatest concern is my family; my biggest terror is an episode...regardless of which mood...which order...one or both...especially a major episode, diagnostically-speaking or "only" the way it impacts. "I", "II"...little difference here. That episodic pain results, "hypo-" or full blown.
I'm writing because I need help. (Still in pursuit!) I know my behavior can be hurtful to my family. Feeling guilty (yes, I know it's not "my fault"); trying not to be selfish...trying to stay sane to not further the circle of mood > affecting behavior > sparking pain in my loved ones/"caregivers" (& they heartfully have always put me #1)...to be humbly and truly sacrificial to reach those ends and NOT being "part of the problem." To END any resentment--real or imagined/feared--anywhere in any of us. Not that my pre-bipolar track record was perfect (hah!), but my motives have always come back to true with the journey of "enlightenment" (i.e. growing up): by endeavoring to do better--on a consistent basis; by way of my committed loved one(s)' sincere help, with honesty & love (our lifetime commitment)...through blessed epiphanies...through challenging self-examination.
To say nothing the anxiety of actually coming out, being outed and/or realizing that one's behavior can actually be a billboard to those who wonder. (This less-than-private post is a first for me.)
It's all a convoluted dynamic. I want/hope to be the chicken who can DECIDE about the egg. I don't even know what I am asking for. Advice...a shoulder...insight...suppport. If you're bipolar, I'm sure you understand. You all truly have my heart.